Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
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A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.