what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
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FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
just left a huge legacy in there
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Candles never taste the way they smell
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.