Writer: a cartoon about 4 teenage turtles and a rat
Exec: not convinced
Writer: they’re mutants?
Exec: it needs to appeal to kids
Writer: they’re named after renaissance artists
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My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.