I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
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Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.