Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
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Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
He a real one for that
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Woke up against my better judgement again