Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
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When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week