I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
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This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
this is funnier than any friends episode
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past