couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
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Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.