Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Well well well…
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.