INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
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Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed