common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
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End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you