You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
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Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
house sitting!
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu: