Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
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As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Heroic Misunderstanding
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.