I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
You Might Also Like
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…