I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
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My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
The options really are this bad
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.