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(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014