honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
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NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.