You Might Also Like
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
Risking my life for fun.
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.