Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
You Might Also Like
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Coffee for people with no kids
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.