“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
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If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Candles never taste the way they smell
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!