The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
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I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”