My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
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Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography