Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Buying a well is money well spent.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Zack Greinke stories are the best