[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
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gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.