I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
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Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
There is no “we” in pizza
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.