The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.