[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
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Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.