*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
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No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
good for her
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
The three genders.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
the rocks need my help
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”