USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
You Might Also Like
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.