i like to flex on them by shrugging
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard