(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
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Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Cashiers are always checking me out
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned