Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”