*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
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*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Still laughing at this stupid meme
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?