Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
A choir of Spring onions
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Adult me is pretty pissed that you can’t learn to dance perfectly in the span of an 80’s montage.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again