[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
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BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
pep talk
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.