*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
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If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails