“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
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I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.