Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
One of the best
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.