What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
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I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Pringles
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!