Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
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me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.