[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
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if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
can’t bark with your mouth full
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..