I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.