If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
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Your secret is safeish with me
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
🛁
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie