If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
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Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!