sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.