early stone age tool
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Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder