sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
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I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.