“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral