[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
You Might Also Like
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him