I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
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Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Single and childfree like Jesus
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
The word “beard” comes from an old Latin phrase meaning “sit on my face”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.